ST. PETER, MN – Football can be a bit tricky to talk about, especially if you only pretend to care about it once a year. But whether you’ll be spending Super Bowl […]
Fourth Crown Tutorials: How To Blend In At Your Super Bowl Party
Vikings Lose To Buffalo Bills
Minneapolis, MN- In a surprising twist of fate, the pundits were proven wrong this Sunday as the highly lauded Vikings squad were absolutely blown up by the lowly Buffalo Bills. Rookie Josh […]
Gustavus Promoted to Division I Following Greatest Day in School’s Athletic History
SAINT PETER— Hours after the Golden Gusties completed what was objectively the most impressive day in the school’s athletic history, the NCAA released a statement immediately promoting the institution to its most […]
LeBron James Discovers Perfect Level of Sodium Benzoate for “LeBron’s Mix” Sprite Beverage
ATLANTA, GA— In his 16th consecutive all-night session of chemical engineering, NBA star LeBron James discovered the perfect level of sodium benzoate relative to citric acid and sodium citrate for industrial batches […]
Gustavus Hockey Team Hires Full-Time Hair Stylists for Beck Hall Bathrooms
SAINT PETER—In efforts to further improve the college’s impressive hockey program, the Gustavus Athletic Department has hired three full-time hair stylists to attend to the team’s widely-acclaimed “flow.” Despite the estimated $160,000 […]
Gustavus Football (6-0) Under Investigation for Kidnapping St. Thomas Squad
SAINT PETER—The NCAA launched an investigation Saturday afternoon in response to charges that the Gustavus football team kidnapped the St. Thomas University squad, forcing them to play the season posing as the […]
Americans Can Finally Stop Pretending They Care About Soccer
THE UNITED STATES- Following the loss of the United States men’s national team to Belgium in Tuesday’s FIFA match, sports enthusiasts across the country have celebrated the fact that they can finally […]
Lund Center Declared UNESCO World Heritage Site
NEW YORK—In a press statement released Friday afternoon, the United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) recognized Gustavus Adolphus College’s Lund Athletic Center as a World Heritage Site. The addition of […]
Tibetan Monks “Put On a Clinic” At Intramural Coed Kickball Game
SAINT PETER—Shortly after their ceremonial destruction of the sand mandala, the visiting Tibetan monks took to the kickball field and promptly routed the number one ranked team. The monks won 18 – […]
Majority of Student Body Still Not Sure What Really Happens in the Tennis Bubble
SAINT PETER — In what is quickly becoming one of the biggest mysteries in recent campus history, an athletic department-sponsored surveymonkey has indicated the majority of students and faculty have no clear […]
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