BREAKING– Sources have confirmed that a gateway to a reality beyond ours has been found between a cubicle and supply closet in the north side of the Administration basement. This news comes […]
Portal to the Multiverse Discovered in Basement of Administration Building
First-Year Disappointed in Eckman Mall’s Lack of Forever 21; Food Court
SAINT PETER- First-year student Kelsey Rasmussen was overheard telling friends and family she was “just really confused” about the dearth of retail venues along Eckman Mall, the college’s 400 yard strip consisting […]
Women’s Volleyball’s Gustav II Adolf of Sweden ‘15 Crowned MIAC Athlete of the Week
CASTLE TRE KRONOR, SWEDEN- In a historic move, the Minnesota Interscholastic Athletic Conference has named Junior Women’s Volleyball player Gustav II Adolf, King of Sweden, their Athlete of the Week. Citing “the […]
Rookie Campus Safety Officer Looking to Make Name for Himself
SAINT PETER—Since his hire in early Decemeber, rookie Campus Safety officer Vic Pascutti has set a Gustavus record eighty-three underage drinking busts. Pascutti, whom Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher called a […]
IM Basketball Standout Won’t Stop Talking About High School
SAINT PETER—After scoring 34 points and grabbing 15 rebounds in only his second career intramural basketball game, first-year Zach Lewis is gaining the reputation of being one of the league’s most […]
Confused Board of Trustees Irrevocably Repeals Indoor Smoking Ban
SAINT PETER – After a wave of student advocacy for an all-campus smoking ban, a confused Board of Trustees briefly discussed and passed an irrevocable measure that immediately dissolves the standing indoor […]
