SAINT PETER, MN-God has looked down upon the residents of Sorenson Hall and cast His divine judgement. This morning, the students cursed with low room draw numbers looked into their email inboxes […]
Wrathful God Cuts Off Water in Sorenson
We Asked Five Gusties About Midterm Election Issues, And We Regret It
SAINT PETER, MN- Midterm Elections are just around the corner, and these elections are proving to be some of the most important midterm elections in recent history. The Fourth Crown decided to […]
The Headphone Disco Receives A “Too-Little Noise Violation”
St. Peter MN- On Saturday for the first time since who knows when, Co-ed, Plex, and the Views were not getting “litty as a kitty”, so Campus Safety had nothing kind of […]
“Prairie in Progress” Disturbed, Old God Awakened
St. Peter MN- In the past few years, there has been an initiative on campus attempting to regrow and reclaim some of the natural prairie grass ecosystem that Gustavus was built on. […]
President Bergman Announces Campus-Wide Ban On Onion Rings
St. Peter, MN- In a move that surprised many, earlier this morning it was announced by President Bergman that a campus-wide ban on onion rings will be implemented. Starting in the fall […]
Lost City of Atlantis Found in Gibbs Storage Closet
SAINT PETER,MN- Archaeologists across the country are gathering at Gustavus’s Gibbs hall following a discovery in the dorm’s storage closet last Tuesday. During end of the semester cleaning and cataloging, residential life […]
Gustavus Majors As Outdated Memes
SAINT PETER, MINNESOTA- You know what’s more fun than studying for finals? Literally everything else. So this Fourth Crown article is brought to you by top-tier procrastination fueled by self-loathing and lack […]
Thanos to Teach Homelessness FTS in Fall Semester
SAINT PETER, MN- Many Gustavus students have heard the word on the street: he Homelessness FTS is not something to miss. The class is known for their yearly informational signs tied to […]
Hammock Envelops Student, Acquires Taste for Human Flesh
SAINT PETER, MN- May is the best time of the year to get outside, set up a hammock, and relax. This is exactly what first-year student, Cindy Vesper, did approximately two weeks […]
WOW! You Won’t Believe This Hot Summer Weight Loss Tip! It’s Leprosy.
It’s the infectious new health craze that’s sweeping the nation: leprosy is helping beach goers shed pounds quickly, and keep them off. Senior Biology Major Alan Hershowitz lauded the health benefits of […]
