SAINT PETER—As the dawn of a new ice age looms, Gustavus Adolphus College officials have suspended on-campus parking for the next 30,000 years, the projected end of this winter. Campus Safety is […]
Gustavus Suspends On-Campus Parking as New Ice Age Dawns
‘Gustie Couples’ Sparks 1,300 New Relationships
SAINT PETER– After Sunday’s rollout of the popular Facebook page “Gustie Couples,” the Gustavus campus has experienced a veritable social revolution as new couples find themselves compelled to enter into committed, exclusive […]
Misled Douchebag Confused at Keystone XL Protest
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In one of the largest youth sit-ins in recent memory, first-year Sean Joseph was nearly arrested at the Keystone XL protest for mistakenly standing out against the Colorado-based beer brand, Keystone […]
Timmons/Goldstein Accidentally Become 17th Co-Presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College
SAINT PETER—In what officials are calling “perhaps the biggest, yet most unchangeable mistake in school history,” Matthew Timmons and Hayden Goldstein were named the next co-presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College. Former candidate […]
COMMENTARY: Proposed Name Change for Three Crowns Curriculum To Be Even More Vague and Pretentious
COMMENTARY By The Three Crowns Curriculum Executive Board Though the details have yet to be finalized, The Three Crowns Executive Board is excited to announce a name change for the program beginning […]
Presidential Candidate Looks Suspiciously Like Moustached Jack Ohle
SAINT PETER- After his two-day visit to campus last week, top Presidential Candidate Joel Hackl has fallen under new scrutiny regarding his visual similarities to current college president Jack Ohle. Dr. Hackl […]
Professor Engages in Two-Hour Stare Down with Uncooperative Students
SAINT PETER—In an iconic battle between student laziness and a professor’s indefatigable ability to wait for his students to contribute to class discussion, Assistant Professor of Communication Studies Ron Trippe and the […]
Chemistry Student Breaks Down After Shitty Burrito Wrap Job
SAINT PETER – Sophomore Gustavus student Ian Thompson has been taken into police custody regarding the assault of first-year burrito wrapper Megan Zillhart, whom Thompson allegedly wrapped in a yoga mat in […]
THE MAN Reviews Gustavus Theatre’s Hair
The Fourth Crown’s guest writer The Man reviews Gustavus’ production of the musical Hair. In addition to holding several prestigious government appointments, The Man is also an expert in keeping you down. […]
The Fourth Crown’s 24 Hour #CaseDay14 Coverage
Welcome to your source of campus news’ official Case Day 2014 coverage thread. We will be devotedly updating this page with the freshest news. Please engage with your college community by tweeting […]
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