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GAC Cafeteria Goes Sex-Positive

By fourthcrown on December 15, 2022

Disastrous Sewing Club Incident Leaves Tennis Team In Search of New Practice Facility

By fourthcrown on December 13, 2022

St. Peter MGM Announces 5 Final ‘Cheat Sheets’ in Vodka Bottles

By fourthcrown on December 12, 2022

A Christmas Miracle: Jesus Christ Himself Returns to Finish the Library Roof Construction

By fourthcrown on December 7, 2022

Ferris Wheel to be Added to Campus: “What The Fuck?”

By fourthcrown on November 21, 2022

PAs Stop Giving Out Condoms: “No One Has Sex On Campus Anyway”

By fourthcrown on November 18, 2022

Gustavus Suspends On-Campus Parking as New Ice Age Dawns

By fourthcrown on March 4, 2014

SAINT PETER—As the dawn of a new ice age looms, Gustavus Adolphus College officials have suspended on-campus parking for the next 30,000 years, the projected end of this winter. Campus Safety is […]

‘Gustie Couples’ Sparks 1,300 New Relationships

By fourthcrown on March 4, 2014

SAINT PETER– After Sunday’s rollout of the popular Facebook page “Gustie Couples,” the Gustavus campus has experienced a veritable social revolution as new couples find themselves compelled to enter into committed, exclusive […]

Misled Douchebag Confused at Keystone XL Protest

By fourthcrown on March 3, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

 WASHINGTON, D.C.—In one of the largest youth sit-ins in recent memory, first-year Sean Joseph was nearly arrested at the Keystone XL protest for mistakenly standing out against the Colorado-based beer brand, Keystone […]

Timmons/Goldstein Accidentally Become 17th Co-Presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College

By fourthcrown on February 28, 2014

SAINT PETER—In what officials are calling “perhaps the biggest, yet most unchangeable mistake in school history,” Matthew Timmons and Hayden Goldstein were named the next co-presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College. Former candidate […]

COMMENTARY: Proposed Name Change for Three Crowns Curriculum To Be Even More Vague and Pretentious

By fourthcrown on February 26, 2014

COMMENTARY By The Three Crowns Curriculum Executive Board Though the details have yet to be finalized, The Three Crowns Executive Board is excited to announce a name change for the program beginning […]

Presidential Candidate Looks Suspiciously Like Moustached Jack Ohle

By fourthcrown on February 25, 2014

SAINT PETER- After his two-day visit to campus last week, top Presidential Candidate Joel Hackl has fallen under new scrutiny  regarding his visual similarities to current college president Jack Ohle. Dr. Hackl […]

Professor Engages in Two-Hour Stare Down with Uncooperative Students

By fourthcrown on February 25, 2014

SAINT PETER—In an iconic battle between student laziness and a professor’s indefatigable ability to wait for his students to contribute to class discussion, Assistant Professor of Communication Studies Ron Trippe and the […]

Chemistry Student Breaks Down After Shitty Burrito Wrap Job

By fourthcrown on February 23, 2014

SAINT PETER – Sophomore Gustavus student Ian Thompson has been taken into police custody regarding the assault of first-year burrito wrapper Megan Zillhart, whom Thompson allegedly wrapped in a yoga mat in […]

THE MAN Reviews Gustavus Theatre’s Hair

By fourthcrown on February 23, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

The Fourth Crown’s guest writer The Man reviews Gustavus’ production of the musical Hair. In addition to holding several prestigious government appointments, The Man is also an expert in keeping you down. […]

The Fourth Crown’s 24 Hour #CaseDay14 Coverage

By fourthcrown on February 22, 2014

Welcome to your source of campus news’ official Case Day 2014 coverage thread. We will be devotedly updating this page with the freshest news. Please engage with your college community by tweeting […]

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