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GAC Cafeteria Goes Sex-Positive

By fourthcrown on December 15, 2022

Disastrous Sewing Club Incident Leaves Tennis Team In Search of New Practice Facility

By fourthcrown on December 13, 2022

St. Peter MGM Announces 5 Final ‘Cheat Sheets’ in Vodka Bottles

By fourthcrown on December 12, 2022

A Christmas Miracle: Jesus Christ Himself Returns to Finish the Library Roof Construction

By fourthcrown on December 7, 2022

Ferris Wheel to be Added to Campus: “What The Fuck?”

By fourthcrown on November 21, 2022

PAs Stop Giving Out Condoms: “No One Has Sex On Campus Anyway”

By fourthcrown on November 18, 2022

Overheard Post from Library’s Third Floor, Campus Safety Investigates

By fourthcrown on February 21, 2014

SAINT PETER—Campus Safety officers have been working around the clock for the last two days investigating an Overheard at Gustavus post reportedly coming from the third floor of the library, which has […]

Snow Gods Express Displeasure with Presidential Candidate

By fourthcrown on February 20, 2014

PALACE OF RJORNSTITCH, UPON MOUNT AÐALSTEINN—Following two days of open sessions with the prospective presidential search candidate, it has been confirmed that the snow gods of Norse lore are not impressed by […]

FLASHBACK: The Case of Case Day

By fourthcrown on February 20, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

In the interest of preserving and celebrating our illustrious history of over 150 years, The Fourth Crown presents the third of a 2,928,608 part series, FLASHBACK, chronicling the most important events in […]

Gangly First-Year Disappointed to Learn “Cape Day” a Typographical Error

By fourthcrown on February 19, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

SAINT PETER- First-year Onalaska native Clive Timmerman expressed his disappointment to close online friends that his excitement for the campus’ annual Cape Day was a result of a typographical error. “As an […]

Faculty Senate Preemptively Calls for Next President’s Resignation

By fourthcrown on February 19, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

SAINT PETER—Responding to Candidate #1’s appearance on campus to become the next president of Gustavus Adolphus College, the Faculty Senate has already preemptively called for their resignation, citing “an inability to understand […]

CIA Report: Gustavus’ Alma Mater Used for Torture at Guantanamo Bay

By fourthcrown on February 19, 2014

SAINT PETER— New findings from a declassified CIA report indicate that Gustavus’ Alma Mater was part of a coordinated program of torture at the Guantanamo Bay prison camp in Cuba. The report […]

24 Tips for Surviving Case Day

By fourthcrown on February 18, 2014 • ( 1 Comment )

This Saturday marks the annual Case Day, an unofficial campus holiday in which a handful of students attempt to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. While the tradition has been described as […]

Winter Weather Strikes; Snow Removal Department Responds ‘Nah’

By fourthcrown on February 17, 2014

BREAKING—Following Monday’s heavy morning snowfall, insider sources have revealed that Physical Plant’s workers just really don’t feel like going out and clearing the several inches of snow accumulation with pending forecasts predicting […]

Even JoNes VanHecke Not Sure What to Capitalize in JoNes VanHecke

By fourthcrown on February 17, 2014

SAINT PETER- In a recent statement from the Dean of Students Office, Dr. Joness Vanhecke has admitted that even she is unaware of which letters to capitalize in her name, Jone S. […]

INFOGRAPHIC: The Fourth Crown’s Valentine’s Day Tips

By fourthcrown on February 14, 2014

With Valentine’s Day upon us, The Fourth Crown has all the tips you need for a successful, romantic holiday: Avoid showering for the week leading up to Valentines Day and instead apply […]

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