ST. PETER, MN– It is yet another glorious day on the hill! Smiling faces can be seen all throughout campus, rejuvenated from a much needed spring break and excited to be back at our beautiful home. The sun shines as brightly as our Gustie pride to be enrolled in an institution that truly leads all of its students into fulfilling and morally upright futures. While each department shines brightly by placing high value on ethics, no department is as dedicated to honesty and integrity as our lovely accounting department. 

At their weekly business ethics/yoga session, the Gustavus accounting department took some time to reflect and rejoice on how well they have led their students by example; accounting students across campus can’t wait to follow in their professors’ ethical footsteps when they begin their own careers! There is no better way to encourage our students to not embezzle $690,000 or so than for the staff mentoring them into adulthood to also not embezzle $690,000 or so. Between meditative deep breathing sessions, accounting professors discussed the importance of honesty and morals in both their personal and professional lives. After the session, they hung around and planned ethics lectures together to cover hot topics such as Launder Clothes Not Money, How to Not Falsely File Bankruptcy to Cover Your Tracks, and Only Losers Commit Fraud (seminar). 

The Fourth Crown has been so impressed with the moral uprightness of our proud accounting department that we challenged various accounting professors to try to think of even one dishonest thing that they have done in their lives. Many chuckled and shared whimsical stories of harmless childhood antics. One even admitted to lying to their brother that the moon was made of cheese! Another professor, who firmly insisted on not being named, told us, “What are you talking to me for? You think you can pull something on me? Where is the wire on you? All of my business is legitimate, so you fuckers can stop crawling around me. I’m entitled to run my business without all you fucking narcs picking every little thing I do apart. You aren’t going to find shit. Are you listening to me? YOU AREN’T GOING TO FIND SHIT ON ME.” Clearly our faculty’s honesty is second only to their sense of humor!

There will be no updates to follow as no changes to our upstanding ethical tradition will be occuring in the foreseeable future.