ST. PETER, MN– Greetings, peasants. It is us, CAB. The Fourth Crown has graciously allowed us to use their esteemed platform to spread this announcement that could not be adequately summarized by an Instagram post. 

Gusties, we hear you. Our ears are everywhere. In your halls. In your walls. In your mom (honestly, who isn’t?). You’re worried that NLE Choppa will eventually find out that St. Peter is not the sprawling metropolis that we have told him it is and cancel his show. You are worried that he will see through our egregious lies and find out that the Slut Peter we told him he is performing at is actually called Saint Peter and we just made some convenient typos in our emails. We are also worried that he will find out. In response to these concerns, we, CAB, your overlords, those of immeasurable wealth, have booked a backup performer lest he deems us uncool and with not nearly enough rizz to handle his overwhelming sluttiness. 

Should NLE Choppa cancel, the ongoing personality crisis known as Jojo Siwa will be gracing our great campus with her presence. If we are not granted the privilege of listening to Mr. Choppa sing Slut Me Out while grinding on one of his handpicked meet-and-greet winners, we will instead enjoy Jojo’s heavily autotuned rendition of Brit Smith’s Karma while watching her manically dry hump Gus’s resurrected female counterpart. The performance will also be moved from the hockey arena to the pool to better accommodate her unique choreography. 

We understand that many of you are very excited to see NLE Choppa and will be very sad if he cancels. Trust us, we don’t want to have Jojo Siwa here any more than the rest of you do. However, as we learned from our attempt at a homecoming rave, it is important to always have a backup plan. We aren’t refunding your stupid tickets no matter what happens, so you better be ready to make the best of anything, Gusties. It’s time for some serious ass-shaking.