Department of Admission Adds “Special Talent” Portion to Application

SAINT PETER, MN—Looking to avoid admitting subpar students due to their bland and nondescript applications, the Gustavus Department of Admission has added a “special talents” portion to the application process. The Admission Department has received attention in the past for their ‘no score’ policy which gives students the option to forsake reporting their ACT/SAT scores without penalty. Jen Grover, Admission Counselor, explained the change by sharing the no score policy has made “every app just about the damn same.” Grover shared “we understand that you think that your high school was harder because you’re from Edina, and that your life was ‘changed’ when you served food at the homeless shelter that one time. The problem is that nobody cares.”

The new category for admission has truly set people apart in their applications. Potential students are asked to send in a video or material evidence of their special talents. Students have sent in videos of themselves wiggling their ears, snapping, burping the ABC’s, or even putting their feet behind their head. “My office is full of stuff. I don’t want any of this stuff,” reports Grover, “One student sent in 50 Ukrainian eggs. What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 Ukrainian eggs?”

Other such application materials have included thousands of paper origami cranes, water colors, cross-stitching, and friendship bracelets. “I knew that all of those string bracelets I made at girl scout camp would come in handy one day!” applicant Hannah Bueller describes. Bueller is currently still waiting for her acceptance letter.

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Application of accepted student Jens Warner, whose special talent is holding his breath underwater “for like a minute.”

Universities all over the country have followed suit, including Harvard University, Yale University, Stanford University, and Rasmussen College. Schools are hosting talent competitions to seek out the best possible candidates. “We are trying to see what students can bring to Gustavus,” responded Grover, “Anyone can study and get a 30 on their ACT, but can you hold a headstand for five minutes? James Carlson can, and that’s why he’s a Gustie today.”

The change reflects the Department of Admission’s desire to bring about a Gustavus student body saturated with talents that in no way correlate to success in the outside world, but are “kinda cool.” The new application, which asks students for their name, dream ACT score, special talent, and a crayon self-portrait, has been submitted by over 600 hopeful students for the class of 2018. While the current average ACT score for this cohort is hovering around 12.2, Jen Grover fully expects this class to spark an influx of Pinterest crafts, body contortions, and sessions of students simultaneously rubbing their stomachs and patting their heads.