You know you wanted this. We’re here to provide.

Education

After a long day of learning about how fucked up the kids are these days, you’re going to need something strong. How about a tall glass of Everclear? You’ll be drunk AND ballin’ on that teacher budget– the Fourth Crown wishes you well in your future endeavors trying to teach those iPad kids proper social skills. 

Biochemistry & Molecular Biology

You’re getting Jägermeister. Not a Jägerbomb… just Jäger. It’s some combination of a million flavors, just like some kind of science experiment gone wrong! We’ll see you later when you’ve moved over to Patty’s for some out-of-tune karaoke that explains why you didn’t come here to major in music.  

Psychology

You should get a Long Island Iced Tea– they make my brain feel the same as when a psych major tells me about their courses! Sorry Brain & Behavior is ruining your life… you do realize you don’t HAVE to be a psychology major, right? We’re all going to need a therapist before this conversation ends.

Business Management

You chose the most boring major, so you get a boring drink: beer. Probably Busch or Coors because you refuse to drink Bud Light after their pride campaign with Dylan Mulvaney.

Gender, Women & Sexuality Studies

You can have all the Bud Light the Business Management majors didn’t want!

Nursing

Just get a shot of Vodka – what’s the difference between vodka and sterilizing alcohol? Nothing. Plus, you’ll still be drunk and alive enough to function when you wake up for your 7 AM clinical tomorrow morning.

Religion

Tequila (Holy) water– so you can stay pure while getting crunk. This’ll definitely get you wasted enough to forget you have to read all 12 chapters of Ecclesiastes by 9 AM on Monday. You do have to provide your own Holy Water, but that just makes your night more fun and interactive!

Environmental Studies

Get one of the, like, 2 IPAs that the Flame serves – you can even throw in some dirt so you can feel truly connected to the earth you spend so much time thinking about! We’re honestly surprised you’re at the Flame. You give off craft brewery vibes, and this is not the place for that. Just walk over to Paddlefish.

Political Science

You guys spend so much time analyzing the government and bureaucracy, just for it to basically fall apart before you even enter the workforce! So, enjoy your Adios Mother Fucker (AMF if you want to seem cool). The bartenders here will look at you strangely, but once you get to DC you’ll just be another washed-up politician wannabe.

Geology

Since you spend every single day thinking about rocks and minerals, you should get a margarita– on the rocks! We bet John would even give you a salted rim if you bat your eyes sweetly enough 🙂

English

You should order a Sex on the Beach– then you can daydream about your honeymoon with the fantasy man you read about in your spare time. Enjoy the first few blissful hours of your night, because you’ll probably be making out with some townie with 3 felony convictions by the end of it. Gotta love bad boys, right?

Computer Science

According to our friend who is a Comp Sci major, y’all should drink Scotch. Caramelly & spicy & delicious? Sign us up. Just not to study computers. That’s too confusing. We’ll stick to writing silly little articles on TheFourthCrown.com about all of the most important Gustie news.

More majors (& updates) to follow.