ST PETER, MN— Strange things have been happening on the hill the past few months. Hooded figures have been spotted all around campus swiping used silverware from the Caf, capturing students and forcibly taking mouth swabs, and purchasing hair clippings from the GAC barber. After weeks of incessant digging and pestering, the Fourth Crown has found an explanation for all of this. The hooded figures are members of Gustavus’s Admissions Council who will stop at nothing to grow the student body. This summer, the Admissions Council decided that in order to increase enrollment, they must fully understand what brought students here in the first place. Suspecting a biological explanation, they have been working tirelessly for months to collect a comprehensive DNA sample of the student body, and they have finally found a genetic factor that draws students to Gustavus. 

The gene responsible for bringing students to Gustavus, the GAC gene, is characterized by repeating GAC (guanine-adenine-cytosine) sequences in various parts of the genome. Based on the Admissions Council’s research, 99% of Gusties have the GAC gene to some capacity. Research is still being done on the exact effects of the GAC gene, but students who have it show interesting patterns in behavior. Many students report feeling “called” to climb up hills for their entire lives, but always feeling that something was missing at the top once they reached the summit. Others have been observed instinctively falling on their knees in reverence upon seeing Gus the Lion for the first time. In an exclusive interview with the Fourth Crown, freshman Ben Dover confided, “My parents originally tried to name me Gus after my grandpa, but every time they said “Gus”, I broke out in hives and began convulsing. After my fourth hospital visit, they decided they had to change my name and now, well, here we are. They had to change my grandpa’s name to Ben too, and I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me.” As a bit of philanthropy, the Fourth Crown paid Ben’s grandpa, Ben Dover Sr., a visit to explain the GAC gene and help him understand why his name had to change to ease tensions between them. Sadly, he does not believe in genetics, so it did not help. It might have made his feelings towards his changed name worse. Sorry, Ben. 

Not everyone is impacted by the GAC gene in the same way. The presence of the gene ranges from a few hundred repeats in some students to 99.9% of the genome being made up of repeating GAC sequences in our very own president, Rebecca Bergman. The number of GAC repeats generally indicates how strongly students are drawn to our lovely school. Some students with the most repeats experience a deep spiritual sense of homecoming the second they summit our fabled hill, while others with fewer repeats feel a sense of quiet resignation that this hill, whether they like it or not, is their homeland.

This increased understanding of what brought up here together presents not only a source of delightful philosophical questions on free will for our philosophy majors to think really hard about, but also some exciting opportunities for select students in the future. In case her quest for immortality fails, President Bergman is likely to choose a successor based on the number of GAC repeats a candidate has. Additionally, the Gustavus biology department will soon begin accepting applications for students to perform exciting summer research on how genetic engineering could semi-ethically beef up enrollment rates.

More updates to follow.