ST. PETER, MN– Spring semester is back in full swing here at Gustavus, and students are getting back into a healthy routine of working hard during the week and partying harder on the weekends. This weekend was no exception, with students taking time this weekend to celebrate one of Gustavus’ most cherished holidays. That’s right, the 100 Hour Challenge rolled around again and it did not disappoint. With performances from LineUS Improv, CAB events promoting safe alcohol consumption, and even an SNL, there was truly never-ending fun happening all over campus this weekend. For those who missed out on the unforgettable experience, Case Day was also being celebrated on Saturday. After a Saturday that Case Day diehards ended up not remembering most of, Gusties woke up Sunday morning feeling like they maybe should have gone to Drag Queen Bingo instead of the Flame. But for freshman Quinn Waterford, he woke up Sunday to more problems than just a headache and a total loss of memory. Waterford woke on Sunday to discover that his liver had put in its two weeks’ notice.

Waterford, a freshman on the baseball team, was no stranger to a handle of Tito’s before arriving at Gustavus. However, the freshman had never heard of Case Day, and needless to say, he was excited to take on the challenge. And take on the challenge he did. A strong morning push was followed by a tough afternoon in bed, allowing Waterford to wake up at 8 PM and head straight to the bars. After completing the challenge at 10:30 PM, Waterford promptly passed out and his nearly lifeless body was returned by the Gus Bus to Norelius. “He had something to prove, and he delivered,” baseball senior Gavin Hitstick reported. “I’m pretty sure he’s going to regret it tomorrow, but our respect for him will never die.” Unfortunately for Waterford, he woke up the next day to find his body failing him in more ways than one. 

After a morning spent walking from his bed to the bathroom and vice versa, Waterford eventually discovered a note with his liver’s resignation on his desk. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Waterford’s liver said wearily. “If this is what the next four years are going to be like, I’m out.” The two weeks’ notice sent Waterford into a panic that didn’t subside for the rest of the day. “What am I supposed to do without a liver?!” Waterford lamented. “How else am I going to digest my food?” The confused Waterford consulted our very own anatomy department who not only informed him of the true function of the liver but also proposed a solution. After recruiting some anatomy and physiology juniors looking for extra credit, the team was able to craft a new titanium liver to replace his departed body part. Equipped with this new unbreakable organ, Waterford excitedly went on to dominate die tables across campus for the rest of his freshman year. As for his liver? The anatomy department now uses it in comparison to healthy livers in its lectures, labeling it as afflicted by “excessive alcoholism.”

More updates to follow.