ST. PETER, MN– After a month-long hiatus, the writers of the Fourth Crown (Gustavus’ beloved and most reliable news source) were found engaging in a tangle of horrendous sin and sodomy. Their discoverer does not wish to be named at this time, as they instantly vaporized after witnessing such putrid gluttony.

Upon questioning from their readers, The Fourth Crown staff writers had just one thing to say: “Lit, crazy, movie.”

Upon further questioning, they elaborated by providing this statement, in unison:

What’s up, babygirl? Heard you missed us. We’ve been on this crazy bender; sex, drugs, rock and roll, you know the deal. And like, other cool stuff. I guess we’re just wild like that, ahaha. Except the person who wrote that letter yesterday. We didn’t invite them because they’re like, a TOTAL narc. Like what kind of person writes a letter calling us out for going AWOL? A Narc, that’s who.

I know you missed reading our amazing, funny, sexy, genius, insanely-imaginative, mind-blowing articles. I bet you did ; )

But yeah, like. We’ve been on a spiritual, sexual journey and we like, discovered things about ourselves. Have you ever tried LSD? It fucking opens your mind, dude. And not just your mind, but your soul. It’s like… the secrets of the universe, but the universe is yourself. And then while you’re opening up your soul to the vast power of the universe, you’re also getting fucked in like a human sex-chain. There’s this sweet spot between when you expose yourself, literally and figuratively, and when you start getting really paranoid and feel like the microscopic organisms on your skin are eating you alive and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. That part lasts for hours. You should try it.

Anyway. I guess we’re gonna go back to writing stuff again. 

Smell ya later,

— The Fourth Crown staff