ST. PETER, MN– Winter was unnaturally warm this year with very little snow and wind that didn’t hurt anyone’s faces as much as it usually does. While the lack of freezing temperatures have made treks outside much easier, they are a cause for major concern about the state of our planet as well as our society. Not only is this warm of a winter devastating to various ecosystems, it is likely to cause Mariah Carey to finish defrosting early and emerge to spread her version of holiday cheer far before anyone is anywhere near ready to hear “All I Want for Christmas is You” again. 

Every year on December 26, Mariah returns to hibernation in a location kept undisclosed for public safety. After traveling deep underground into her cave, she falls into a deep sleep while being slowly encased in a thick block of ice. Because of the depth of her lair, she is protected from the harsh sun and oppressive heat of summer but begins her thaw as the earth begins to warm slightly around her. This thaw continues until anywhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving when Mariah completely defrosts and unleashes herself upon the world once more. This gives everyone enough time without hearing her Christmas hits to mildly enjoy them when they make their annual return. 

Typically, freezing temperatures throughout January and February are enough to encase her until the next holiday season, but unseasonably warm temperatures this winter have put the scientific community on edge. They suggest a minor climate change issue (if you want to believe that malarkey), and, more pressingly, they have caused Mariah to begin to defrost early. “Not only is she rapidly thawing,” Dr. Reese Irch from NASA states, “She also didn’t build as strong of  an ice chamber as usual. We need to consider that she was never entombed deep enough this year to make it past Thanksgiving in the first place; it just hasn’t been cold enough. If things continue this way, we won’t even last until the Fourth of July without hearing how there is just one thing she wants for Christmas.”

Researchers are doing all they can to fortify Mariah’s icy shell while they still can. Scientists, the National Guard, the Marines, the Coast Guard, and several branches of the JROTC have been taking turns throwing ice cubes into her chamber to cool it down, and a blanket has been strategically placed over her head in hopes that when she defrosts she will think that it is nighttime and go back to sleep. Navy SEAL, [CLASSIFIED], was interviewed after working one of the now infamous Mariah Shifts, but he responded only with a blank, haunted stare and mumbles that, “We can’t contain her. We have been forsaken by God for the hell we have wrought upon this earth. There is no mercy to be found. Hell shall dawn upon us as her song ravages our lands.” The Fourth Crown has concluded that Captain Drama Queen may be onto something. Now would be a good time to stock up on Gustavus-themed earplugs found at the bookmark for only $29.95.  

More updates to follow.