ST. PETER, MN– It is almost time for the annual Gustavus President’s Ball, the most exclusive and glamorous event in our beautiful American nation. Looking anything but the best at this event would be an absolute embarrassment for us all, and this year’s theme, Secret Garden, has raised the stakes higher than ever to fit such a glorious theme while being absolutely fabulous. To help, the Fourth Crown has generously compiled the hottest fashion tips of the season to ensure no one’s ugly appearance ruins the reputation of our esteemed educational institution during such a grand evening. 

• No one wants to repeat an outfit that they have worn before, but buying new formal clothes is so expensive and have you seen how unsustainable the fashion industry is? Unacceptable. A fun, fresh, garden-supported alternative to actual clothes is crafting your version of clothes from all-natural materials found in the arb! Woven grasses show everyone that your fine motor skills are on point, twig corsets flaunt your pain tolerance, slathering mud on your naked body screams, “I’m in touch with nature”, and fur accents send a clear message that you have killed for looks before and will not hesitate to do so again.
• Give all of your constrictive and uptight finery a more natural look and feel by putting it all on, walking to the edge of the hill, and throwing yourself down it. Ensure you skid, roll, and otherwise fall down the hill for at least 100 meters before your descent ends. This process can be repeated as many times as you feel necessary to finish your look. 
• Looking to attract a dance partner? Nothing gathers romantic attention better than a mysterious vibe. Put the secret into Secret Garden by giving your outfit a questionable, yet sexy, statement piece. Some classics include the outline of a dagger under your clothes, horrifically bloodshot eyes, a briefcase handcuffed to your left hand, a stain that may (or may not!) be blood, a handsome Italian man whose soulful eyes continuously glance around the dance floor as he periodically whispers in your ear, and the pretentious smirk of someone who knows something no one else does. 
• Floral prints. Revolutionary, aren’t they!