SPORTS

College Abandons Nordic Ski Team; Pursues “Sexy, Tropical” Image

SAINT PETER — College administrators have made the executive decision to cut the men’s and women’s Nordic Skiing Team Friday afternoon, citing that the sport “made too much sense in the wintry tundra that is Minnesota.” The news came just days after the team hosted their end of the year banquet, during which they celebrated having the highest team GPA at Gustavus.

According to an inside source, the team was dropped in order “to allocate support and resources for MIAC sponsored teams and to align ourselves with the college’s developing image as the most tropical, sexiest school in the MIAC.” Athletic Director Tom Green further attributed the move to the “high costs of supplying the team,” whose equipment includes winterproof swimsuits, two thin pieces of plastic, and some frozen water.

The removal of the teams marks a bold new public relations move for the college, which is now attempting to distance itself from its frigid, Minnesota Scandinavian heritage. Marketing and Communications Director Tom Jonson applauded the changes, writing “the trope of Gustavus as a North American Lutheran college with a rich, Swedish heritage is simply overdone. It’s time for Gustavus to embrace our truly groovy, tropical personality.” The abandonment of the Nordic Ski Team was shortly followed by the announcement of the college’s new slogan: “Make Your Life Shine, Dog!”

Nordic Team members reported learning their head coach, Jesse Christiansen, was notified of the decision on Thursday of last week. Christiansen’s awareness of the eradication of the Nordic Team was poorly veiled leading up to the official announcement. At Sunday’s Team Banquet, Coach Christiansen made his closing comments to his team not in his typical Scandinavian sweater, but rather in a bro tank, Sperry’s, and short-cut chinos. Team members also reported Christiansen was not his usual self, but was unnaturally using many of the phrases making their way into Admission material, such as “G-A-C is H-O-T,” and “Welcome to Minne-bro-ta” between stifled sobs.

Athletic Director Tom Green shared “though it was regrettable [Christiansen] had to face his team and their parents during their banquet on Sunday without being able to tell any of them what was happening, Jesse has been totally rad about the changes.”

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The college, whose campus is covered in snow 7 of the 9 months of the school year, will be abandoning the Nordic Ski Team in favor of a new Competitive Waterski Squad.

In keeping with the conversion of the college’s image into that of a coastal Florida university, the Athletic Department has announced the replacement of the Nordic team with a competitive Waterski Performance Squad. This transition has come as a shock to some, largely due to the fact the landlocked campus is covered in snow throughout seven of the nine months of the school year.

While many have suggested that the Nordic Team could still stay a part of the school, sources on the team have reported that is not the case.. “We literally offered to pay for all of our expenses, and they shot that down” said junior Josh Blankenship. The department responded to the offer in a written report, “Nothing is less groovy than a bunch of pasty white kids sliding around on frozen water. You know what is groovy? Tan kids sliding around on fresh, liquid H20 behind the Department’s brand new $420,000 Nautique Watersport 23ft SuperAir Speedboat.”

While the Athletic Department has expressed their appreciation for student feedback through email submissions, which the ski team has heavily requested of their peers, many doubt the sincerity of the Department, whose website currently bears a banner reading “Sno No Mo! Let’s get Wet N’ Wild.”

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