ST PETER MN- It was a typical Friday night on the hill last weekend.  There was someone throwing up alcohol in Co-ed, sophomore Peter Barnes was being chased by the sexually-charged ghost of Rundstrom, and there were parties popping in Chapel View.  All things normal came to an end when several eyewitnesses saw first-year Hazel Boome being escorted out of the Dive, kicking, screaming and begging to be let back in to “show the world that her hips don’t lie.” After speaking with several Campus Activities Office Information Desk workers twinning with yellow, “Staff,” t-shirts,  we found out that Boome did the unthinkable; she tried to “wall-twerk” and actually have fun.

It’s no secret that the once friendly faces of the Information Desk get together before each and every Dive to feast on pizza flavored by the venom of four angry spiders before taking to the corners of the Dive to watch a bunch of drunk adults grind on each other for two hours.  It’s the only way they are able to withstand the winds of all those “whips” and “nae-naes” and whiffs of cheap vodka without falling off of their hawk-like perches.  All of the spider juices in the world could not have prepared them for when Hazel Boome decided to scale the wall and shake her booty like her Grandma was not watching.

“It was terrifying,” said CAO Desk worker turned security guard Kari Sampson. “I saw her take her shoes off, and I just knew that she was asking for trouble.  I had to do something”

And Sampson did do “something.” She immediately transformed from cool chaperone-dad to Spiderman and swung from the wall where she was perched over to the opposite side of the dance floor, landing squarely on top of Boome’s bouncing backside.  They wrestled like bears for several seconds, but Hazel Boome was not budging; she kept finding her way back to her nasty wall.  Finally, after Sampson told Boome “No, thank you,” Campus Safety was able to haul her out.

“I am so glad someone was able to rescue us,” said first-year Dive attendee Jeorge Jorgenson.  “How could I leave room for Jesus dancing with my girlfriend with that monstrosity happening across the way?”

There will be a parade through the Evelyn Young Dining Room led by Deb on Monday to commend Kari Sampson for her brave actions in a time of grave danger.