SAINT PETER, MN- With the loss of millions of dollars and several deposits from incoming first-years, the Gustavus community faces humiliation after mistakenly booking a “Plotting Zoo” instead of the intended “Petting […]
Plotting Zoo Prepares Students for Evil Deeds
Satan Ranks Gustavus #7 in Overall Closeness to God
SAINT PETER, MN – After Sunday’s service, the Chaplain’s office announced that it had received a Facebook notification from Satan. “Let me be honest and say that when I saw that Satan […]
Donald Trump Looking to Rage-Quit Presidency
St. Peter, MN- With the firing of FBI Director James Comey it has become clear that President Donald Trump has finally decided to rage-quit the presidency. “Rage-Quitting,” is an idea that […]
WikiLeaks Targets Fourth Crown, Leaked Documents Reveal Disturbing Information About Editors
St. PETER, MN – “I’m honestly not that surprised,” said Brian Pfeiffer, a former reader of the Fourth Crown. “If half of the stuff on that list is true, than it would […]
Study Finds The Fourth Crown is, Among Other Things, Mostly Illiterate
SAINT PETER, MN–After the first annual Fourth Crown Demographic Survey, a plethora of statistics have been made public. A sample of these statistics are published below. 90% of Fourth Crown […]
Some Guy That Only Knows Three Chords Plays Piano Outside Caf For 10 Hours Straight
Open Mic Night who? Yesterday, some guy played the beloved piano outside the cafeteria for ten hours straight! From 3 pm to 11 pm, Piano Guy played hits like: Don’t Stop Believin’, […]
The Fourth Crown Starts Its Own Acapella Group: The Fourth Chord
St. Peter, MN- The number of acapella groups on the Gustavus Adolphus campus has risen for the third time this year as the members of our very own staff have decided to […]
Fourth Crown Writers Interpret Campus Sculptures From Smallest to Largest
AB: This is a beautiful sculpture of a Ringwraith from the Lord of the Rings holding up a baby giant turtle while balancing on half of a unicycle. It’s an artistic representation […]
Upcoming Senior Recital to be Complete Repertoire of R. Kelly’s Greatest Hits
SAINT PETER, MN — As the end of the year slowly approaches, seniors from all across the music department have been performing instrumental or vocal pieces that they’ve been preparing for months. […]
Hill Crew Cheers on Philosophers’ Guild During Weekly Meeting
SAINT PETER, MN — Continuing efforts to extend their support network, the Hill Crew decided to celebrate a Philosopher’s Guild meeting last Wednesday at 7PM . Despite the glaring differences between the […]
