SAINT PETER, MN— Blessed be this day, Gusties, for the Fourth Crown will live along with the literary works of Shakespeare, Marx, and John Green until the ever-expanding Sun burns this planet […]
The Fourth Crown Transcends The Concept of Death
Tennis Bubble Undergoes Mitosis, Splits in Two
SAINT PETER, MN- In a turn of events that can only be described as “spooky as hell”, the Swanson Tennis Center underwent the cellular process of mitosis on Tuesday, splitting into two […]
Gustie of the Week’s Head Explodes
ST PETER MN- The Gustavian Weekly’s segment “Gustie of the Week” is a sought-after honor by many over-achieving Gusties who are into that sort of thing. Multiple reports have been heard of […]
The Fourth Crown Reviews: Captain Marvel
SAINT PETER, MN- The long-awaited cinematic debut for Captain Marvel has finally arrived, and by god this movie straight up fucks. Brie Larson who plays the hero herself could have stepped out […]
Transfer Rate Drops to 0% Because Nobody’s Car Will Start
SAINT PETER, MN- The Gustavus student retention rate has reached an all-time high of one-hundred percent this year. According to students, this is due to the fact that they are “literally trapped […]
Nemo Requests a No-Contact Order from Everyone
ST PETER MN- It has been weeks since any Gustie has seen Nemo, the infamous campus cat, strolling around Campus or in anyone’s room in Rundstrom. While most people assumed that Nemo […]
What Your GAC Professor Thinks of You Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Aquarius: Wow, you don’t like when my curriculum challenges your current understanding of the subject? Riveting, Aquarius. Pisces: Please. PLEASE. Stop crying. Aries: Thank you for speaking up in class. I […]
Book Mark Unveils New Lingerie Line
St. Peter, MN — Did you miss out on a little romantic romp action during Valentine’s Day? Have no fear! The Book Mark is coming through to us students with more than […]
New Chaplain Throws Down Note Cards, Improvises Sermon
St. Peter, MN- The newly hired chaplain, Mary Fischer, caused a ripple across the inter-faith community at Gustavus today when she threw down her training cards and spoke about our relationships with […]
Democratic Presidential Hopefuls Play Smash to Decide the Nom
With only six-hundred and fifteen days until the election, the Democrats are searching for a candidate to lead the party to the White House and regain a sense of diplomacy and civility […]
