SAINT PETER, MN- The long-awaited cinematic debut for Captain Marvel has finally arrived, and by god this movie straight up fucks. Brie Larson who plays the hero herself could have stepped out […]
The Fourth Crown Reviews: Captain Marvel
Transfer Rate Drops to 0% Because Nobody’s Car Will Start
SAINT PETER, MN- The Gustavus student retention rate has reached an all-time high of one-hundred percent this year. According to students, this is due to the fact that they are “literally trapped […]
Nemo Requests a No-Contact Order from Everyone
ST PETER MN- It has been weeks since any Gustie has seen Nemo, the infamous campus cat, strolling around Campus or in anyone’s room in Rundstrom. While most people assumed that Nemo […]
What Your GAC Professor Thinks of You Based On Your Zodiac Sign
Aquarius: Wow, you don’t like when my curriculum challenges your current understanding of the subject? Riveting, Aquarius. Pisces: Please. PLEASE. Stop crying. Aries: Thank you for speaking up in class. I […]
Book Mark Unveils New Lingerie Line
St. Peter, MN — Did you miss out on a little romantic romp action during Valentine’s Day? Have no fear! The Book Mark is coming through to us students with more than […]
New Chaplain Throws Down Note Cards, Improvises Sermon
St. Peter, MN- The newly hired chaplain, Mary Fischer, caused a ripple across the inter-faith community at Gustavus today when she threw down her training cards and spoke about our relationships with […]
Democratic Presidential Hopefuls Play Smash to Decide the Nom
With only six-hundred and fifteen days until the election, the Democrats are searching for a candidate to lead the party to the White House and regain a sense of diplomacy and civility […]
Fight Club Will Now Count as a Fitness Credit
SAINT PETER, MN- The registrar’s office announced on Monday that the Gustavus fight club that has been secretly meeting in the basement of “none of your business, go away” will now count […]
Safe Rides Aquires Fleet of AT-AT Walkers In Anticipation of Next Blizzard
St. Peter, MN — With record-breaking snowfall this February and no end in sight, Campus Safety’s “Safe Rides” program has made a major purchase for the hopeful benefit of Gustavus students everywhere: […]
The Fourth Crown Reviews: Case Day 2019
ST PETER MN- This past Saturday was Case Day, the one day in the Gustavus Calendar year that the athletes on campus get to binge drink as much as they usually would […]
