What have you done!?! You’re totally shitcanned at SNL and don’t know if you will be able to make it back to the dorm without getting in trouble and spending the night […]
CLICK CAMPAIGN: You’re Drunk at SNL. Can You Make It Home?
Head of Dining Services, “Pickles for Everyone!”
PETER, MN — In an unexpected press release out of the Evelyn Young Dining Hall, Head of Dining Services Carl Patski has announced a new policy: “Pickles for Everyone!” Starting in approximately […]
Campus safety: “Campus is quiet…too quiet.”
SAINT PETER- After publishing a set of weekly incident reports, campus safety officer Vic Pascutti reportedly punched his fist through a campus vehicle’s bullet-proof window and said,”campus is quiet…too quiet.” Following the […]
Gus Bus Changes Number After Years of Drunk Callers’ Harassment
Saint Peter, MN — After years of harassment from thousands of drunken individuals, the Gus Bus has decided to change its phone number in order to “better live its life”. While the […]
2017 Miraculously Shaping Up to Be Continuation of 2016
SAINT PETER, MN – In an almost unprecedented metaphysical event, the year 2017 of the Gregorian calendar seems to be a continuation of the previous year, 2016. Despite worldwide efforts to leave […]
Amazing! This Cat Let a Kid Pet Him in the Corner of a Party for 45 Minutes Straight
SAINT PETER, MN — During what was supposed to be a normal saturday night, local cat Trooper patiently sat through what must have easily been a 45 minute cuddle session. Trooper, who […]
Amazing! This Kid Pet a Cat in the Corner of a Party for 45 Minutes Straight
Saint Peter, MN — Local Junior Tate Kreigel was observed at a party on Saturday night reportedly petting a cat in the corner. Known by his peers as “Creepy Tate,” at around […]
Campus Cat Second Guesses His Vote Cast For Trump
A recent series of tweets by Cooper the campus cat has gone viral expressing regret for supporting President-Elect Donald Trump. “Mr. Trump, I voted you in so you would drain the swamp […]
Cold Weather Leads Environmental Studies Major to Doubt Climate Change
SAINT PETER — Following frigid temperatures, Junior Environmental Studies major, Peter Hanson publicly announced his newfound uncertainty regarding Global Warming. “Look, it’s been cold as balls all week. It’s not called […]
Campus Safety Aware of Large Genitalia in Christ Chapel
SAINT PETER, MN — Following three performances and two weeks of set building, Campus Safety would like to let the general community of Gustavus know that they are aware of how vaginal […]
