ST. PETER, MN– Each year on the second Monday of October, the nation comes together to celebrate the culture and history of indigenous Americans everywhere. Gustavus is no different, where each year […]
President Bergman Dons Feathered Headdress in Celebration of Indigenous Peoples’ Day
EMERGENCY: Queer Besties Can’t Agree on Group Halloween Costume
ST. PETER, MN – For some, Halloween means one night of fun. For others, it means everything. As we approach the most important holiday of the year, Queers everywhere panic and scramble […]
How to Lose a Roommate in 10 Days
ST. PETER, MN – Are you a person who values their personal space? Do you want to get rid of your pesky roommate who inconveniently lives in the same room that you […]
Need a Printer? Ask Our New 13th Century Monk to Hand-Calligraphy Your Documents Instead!
ST. PETER, MN.– Due to ballooning costs of ink cartridges, the number of on-campus printers has been reduced this year. (However, do not fear, CAB’s $70,000 Spring Concert will continue as planned […]
Breaking: Large First-Year Friend Group Begins to Disintegrate
ST. PETER, MN – It’s that time again, Gusties: the big groups of freshmen that you saw wandering the campus for the first month of classes have started to realize their incompatibility […]
FUCK Pumpkin Spice! Try These 5 New Fall Flavors
Pumpkin Spice has long been the favorite Fall Flavor. This year, we at The Fourth Crown are fucking sick of it. We fucking hate it. Fuck you and fuck pumpkin spice. We […]
Unfortunate Nobel Conference Typo Leads to Mass Hysteria
ST. PETER, MN– The Nobel Conference is a long-cherished event that has become a staple of Gustavus’ identity as a cutting edge liberal arts college. Each year thousands of eager minds gather […]
Becky’s Mask Ripped Off to Reveal Jack O’ Lantern Monster; Promises Chaos Throughout October
ST. PETER, MN – Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble! The Fourth Crown arises from our dusty crypt for a new school year full of myth, reaching out clawed hands towards the juiciest […]
BREAKING: The Bust of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke
ST. PETER, MN – It is with a heavy heart that the Fourth Crown is forced to report that the long-beloved statue of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke. That’s right – the […]
JK Rowling Spontaneously Combusts After British Monarch Transitions to a Man
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – With Lizzie finally in a box, the coronation of King Charles III in the United Kingdom went off without a hitch last Saturday. That is, of course, unless […]