ST PETER MN- Recently on campus, many Gusties have been accustomed to seeing horrifying images of Nemo feasting on the carcasses of the cute bunnies and squirrels of our Disney fairytale dreams […]
Nemo Acquires A Taste for Human Flesh
74 Year Old Takes 8 Minutes to Pay at Caf Cashier
SAINT PETER, MN- Every year, the Nobel Conference brings academic experts, students, and a whole ton of old people to campus. Caf workers and students must prepare for their patience to be […]
September Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19): There is a secret message written across all of time and space, it lives beyond the modern constructs of linear thought, and the religious would call it the […]
Spider-Man to Replace Gus the Lion Post-MCU Split
SAINT PETER, MN— After the controversial split between Marvel Studios and Sony Pictures, the fan-favorite character Spider-Man lost big Disney money and went back to the desolate Sony lands. The web-slinger lost […]
Football Team Predicted to Win, Lose, or Tie Game Tomorrow
MENOMONIE, WI- As the GAC Football team prepares for their game against UW-Stout tomorrow, you might be wondering: will they win? Our sports analysts have been consulted and their conclusion: we really […]
Title IX Office Plays Hide and Seek with Students
ST PETER MN- Recently Gusties were welcomed back on campus with an array of office relocations, with Career Development and Res Life switching spots and the Peer Assistant’s Office adopting an […]
6 New Ways to Wear Your Lanyard this Fall
ST PETER, MN- The Fourth Crown Staff has spent most of the summer visiting the college-kid fashion capitals of the world— London, Paris, your mom’s couch, and not St. Olaf, people watching […]
Uncrustable Sandwich Slowly Hardens Into Very Thing It Promised Not To Be
SAINT PETER, MN- “It’s all crust! At this point, it’s just entirely crust. What happened to honesty?” said Junior Steve Umber. Umber had been looking forward to eating his recently obtained Uncrustable […]
Honor’s Day Canceled Because Honor Is Dead
St. Peter, MN- Parents, students and faculty alike were in for a shock this past weekend when Gustavus’s annual Honor’s day celebration was canceled at the last minute. The Gustavus administration released […]
Track Team Sends Javelin Throwers to Thin Out Herd of Football Players
SAINT PETER, MN — A prescribed hunt has been declared on campus for the increasing population of football players currently on campus. Javelin throwers on the track and field team have been […]
