SURVEY! Where Do You Need to Have Sex to Complete the Three Crowns Challenge?
College Republicans Pleased to Learn the Identity of their Cyberbullies
ST. PETER, MN — Upon updating their circa 1948 staff photograph, Gustavus’ Fourth Crown writers revealed their identity to the campus community. A slew of professional photographs now stain the new organization’s […]
Campus Cat Population Growing Exponentially Faster Than Student Population
SAINT PETER, MN — Despite the recent removal of Piper the Sewer Cat, a group of student statisticians have concluded that the population of cats on campus is growing at a much […]
College Republicans Display Math Skills, Fail to Calculate the Worth of Women
SAINT PETER, MN — In response to The Women’s March “A Day Without Women” national strike, the College Republicans have issued a strongly worded letter that condemned the cancellation of classes. […]
QUIZ! Which Writer for the Fourth Crown Are You?
Do you ever wonder which anonymous writer for the campus’ premier source of news you most identify with? No? That’s fine. Take this quiz and see if you have what it takes […]
Student Nervously Prepares to Ask Waifu Pillow to P-Ball
SAINT PETER, MN — After purchasing two tickets for the upcoming President’s Ball, sophomore student David Wilson expressed that he was feeling nervous about asking his waifu pillow to go with him. […]
Russian Club Interfered With Student Elections, Intelligence Report Says
ST. PETER, MN — Following a truly impressive shitshow of an election, Hubert and Solveig shall represent the interests of the student populace this year. However, a recent revelation from the administration […]
Student Gets Stuck in Sewer, Overshadowed by Cat in a Similar Predicament
ST. PETER, MN — “I used to rag on Pittman a lot,” says first-year student Joel Filipek. “But right now I’m really missing having a bed. And a carpet. And heating. And […]
USA Flag at Three Flags Replaced with the Gyro Flag
SAINT PETER, MN — Student members of ROTC stood at attention as Gustavus Dining Service Director Steve Kjellgren lowered the United States flag to make room for the patriotic and widely celebrated […]
This is the Bad Man
ST. PETER, MN – This is a picture of the bad man. Many people are sharing photos and writings about how bad the bad man is and we feel that it is important […]
