SAINT PETER, MN — Following a school year filled with the suspensions of the campus’ Greek organizations, legendary DEA agents Steve Murphy and Javier Pena have been dispatched to Saint Peter in […]
Legendary DEA Agents Come to Investigate the Three Remaining GAC Greek Orgs
“Stay Away From the Arboretum at Night. It’s a Forrest of Sin and Sorcery,” Warns Campus Safety
ST. PETER, MN — The arboretum has been a cause of concern with the administration as of late. A recent report from Campus Safety has raised concerns that cults, warlocks and other […]
Garbage Piles Higher As Greek Orgs Are Suspended, Adopted Highways Grow Unkempt
ST. PETER, MN – Following the suspension of a number of local fraternities and sororities on the Gustavus Adolphus campus some unintended consequences have manifested themselves around the St. Peter area. For […]
Proclaim Sends Student to Hell in Effort to Warn Others of the Dangers of Sin
SAINT PETER, MN — After seeing the results of the DLC and I Am We Are’s poster experiment, Christian student group Proclaim sent fifth-year senior Sean Joseph to hell in an effort […]
Students of Color More than Strong Enough to Handle Coward’s Weak Shit
SAINT PETER, MN — Following the posting of a white nationalist flyer on the doors of Beck Hall, Gustavus students of color have assured the campus that they are definitely capable enough […]
Campus Safety Troll Kurg Kills Leprechaun, Wears Skin as Disguise
SAINT PETER, MN — In a truly horrifying display of monstrosity, Campus Safety officer and troll Kurg murdered an innocent leprechaun in cold blood. Kurg then skinned the victim alive and wore […]
SURVEY! Where Do You Need to Have Sex to Complete the Three Crowns Challenge?
College Republicans Pleased to Learn the Identity of their Cyberbullies
ST. PETER, MN — Upon updating their circa 1948 staff photograph, Gustavus’ Fourth Crown writers revealed their identity to the campus community. A slew of professional photographs now stain the new organization’s […]
Campus Cat Population Growing Exponentially Faster Than Student Population
SAINT PETER, MN — Despite the recent removal of Piper the Sewer Cat, a group of student statisticians have concluded that the population of cats on campus is growing at a much […]
College Republicans Display Math Skills, Fail to Calculate the Worth of Women
SAINT PETER, MN — In response to The Women’s March “A Day Without Women” national strike, the College Republicans have issued a strongly worded letter that condemned the cancellation of classes. […]
