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BREAKING: The Bust of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke

By fourthcrown on May 10, 2023

JK Rowling Spontaneously Combusts After British Monarch Transitions to a Man

By fourthcrown on May 8, 2023

Graduating Philosophy Major Beginning to Express Some Regret

By fourthcrown on May 3, 2023

STOP ST ALING TH FUCKING L TT RS

By fourthcrown on May 2, 2023

No, Seniors, Blackbear isn’t Coming. But Something Better Is…

By fourthcrown on May 1, 2023

WHY PROVOST KELLY DESERVES A SIX FIGURE SALARY AND HOW YOU CAN GET ONE TOO

By fourthcrown on April 28, 2023

Dining Service Closes Doors for Remainder of Semester: “You’re On Your Own!”

By fourthcrown on March 10, 2023

ST. PETER, MN – Any student or faculty member who has been on campus for this last semester knows that the dining services have had some issues with staffing. This challenge comes […]

Student Senate Denies Nordic Team Aspen Trip Funding, Team Captain Threatens to “Tell my Dad”

By fourthcrown on March 8, 2023

BECK HALL: ST. PETER, MN – As campus orgs are reviewing their mid-year budgets and wincing at the authorized charges from the fall, many orgs are seeking assistance from channels traditional and […]

Admission Experiences Record Recruiting Weekend As Case Day and Swim Team’s Absence Coincide

By fourthcrown on March 6, 2023

ST. PETER, MN– Gustavus is an institution that attracts individuals from all walks of life to its fine campus to advance their studies. For prospective Gusties, there are countless appeals that draw […]

Lund Hockey Rink Demolished, Replaced with Campus Sidewalks

By fourthcrown on March 3, 2023

ST. PETER, MN – Gusties who are tired of eating shit every time they leave their dorm rooms rejoiced on Friday, when a campus-wide email declared that the icy campus sidewalks would […]

Suspicious St. Olaf Spy Balloon Spotted Over Old Main

By fourthcrown on March 1, 2023

ST. PETER, MN– The safety and security of students has always been a priority here at Gustavus. With resources like Campus Safety and SafeRides nobly defending all we hold dear, the school […]

East Palestine Tap Water Still not as Toxic as the Gustavus Choir

By fourthcrown on February 28, 2023

ST. PETER, MN – The Environmental Protection Agency released a new report concerning the toxicity of tap water in East Palestine, OH. The sleepy town has been the centre of one of […]

Electric Car Parking Spots, and 4 Other Ways This College Wastes Our Money

By fourthcrown on February 27, 2023

ST. PETER, MN.– As it has been recently announced, electric car parking spots have been identified as a critical need for the school and secured funding for immediate installation. In honor of […]

Justice Prevails: Masked Arboretum Vigilante Cracks Down on Illegal Drug Use

By fourthcrown on February 24, 2023

ST. PETER, MN – One of the most captivating aspects of campus that draws in thousands of prospies each year is the Arboretum, which has long been a favored spot of relaxation […]

Ash Wednesday Revitalized to Combat Faith-Related Guilt

By fourthcrown on February 22, 2023

CHRIST CHAPEL  – As the cold grows deeper and our seasonal depression strengthens, the Christian calendar is here to remind every person of faith of just how worthless they really are, and […]

GAC Shutdown: Everything You Need to Know before the Purge

By fourthcrown on February 21, 2023

ST. PETER, MN – Amid reports of the upcoming weather conditions, the campus is buzzing with the latest announcement: The Purge. Due to the expected weather conditions this week, Campus Safety has […]

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