ST PETER MN- We have been getting quite a few complaints from a Gustie named Felicia about how our articles are not, “aesthetically pleasing enough.” Since we all literally live under that […]
Top 9 Most Aesthetically Pleasing Things On Campus
The Fourth Crown is Run by a Russian Bot, and You Can’t Do Shit About It
MOTHER RUSSIA— Привет, я русский бот, который контролирует вашу жизнь. Я взял ваш колледж, ваше правительство и ваше свободное время с моими глупыми статьями. Что вы можете с этим поделать? Вы могли […]
Trump Dresses Up Like POTUS For Halloween
WASHINGTON, D.C.- Sources reported that opinionated billionaire Donald Trump dressed up as the President of the United States to celebrate Halloween. He wore a little U.S. flag button on his over-sized suit […]
Trump Suggests Everyone Hire Armed Bodyguards
Washington- In light of recent acts of mass violence witnessed across the nation, President Trump has suggested that everyone should just go ahead and hire some personal armed guards. He was quoted […]
6 Alternatives to the Basic “U up?” Text
As the sun sets and the darkness rises, so do many male appendages. It’s the freakin weekend bitches! Which means one thing: time to get down and dirty. However, no matter how […]
Fourth Crown Fall Break Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19): Look, Aries, no one has had a great 2018. In all, the year has been trash from beginning to end. We’ve all been so distracted by the news […]
Fourth Crown Reviews: Your Mandatory Floor Meeting
St. Peter, MN- You have gathered from the various emails sent out by school officials that your favorite CF is about to host one of those pointless “Community” meetings where your CF […]
Pre-Med Student Prescribes Red Bull to Passed-Out Roommate
SAINT PETER, MN- It was reported earlier this week that Sophomore Spencer Theeson, a pre-med student, wrote a prescription to his roommate Thomas Fuller for two cans of Red Bull, allowing Fuller […]
Supreme Court Zoo Welcomes Another Pig to its Collection
WASHINGTON D.C.- The honorable Supreme Court Zoo announced Saturday that it would be welcoming yet another micro-pig to pop a squat on its own seat beside other micro-pigs, a couple chill donkeys, […]
Tesla Unveils New, Fully-Electric Elon Musk
Palo Alto, CA- Tesla is known as a pioneer in the auto industry for producing the first batteries potent enough to run their flagship vehicles, but their most recent announcement is an […]
