SAINT PETER, MN- Representatives from the Global Cabal of Scientists announced this week that they would cancel “the whole ‘global warming’ thing because the weather had gotten cold.” “We just figured that […]
Scientists Cancel Global Warming Because it’s Cold
27 Year Old JV Hockey Player Trash Talks Football Team
SAINT PETER, MN- As one sports season comes to a close, another is rising from the ashes. GAC football plays its final game this Saturday, and instead of congratulating them on a […]
CHOICE Student has a Panic Attack After Finding Root Beer Bottles Outside of Room
ST PETER, MN- First-year Hope Charity reportedly walked back to her home in Co-ed section 1A and according to her roommate, Bless Johnson, “proceed to trip over after seeing the unthinkable sitting […]
High School Students On YOUR Campus? More Likely Than You Think, How to Diagnose and Treat
SAINT PETER, MN- Earlier this week many students found themselves surrounded by high school students, and understandably many were worried about future instances of the next campus wide upsurge. To calm these […]
New Study Abroad Program Launched in Moldova
CHISINÂU, MDA – “The added income from these students should really aid our ailing economy,” said Moldovan president Igor Dodon. “This will be wired to our friends in Russia so they can […]
Who, What, When, and How: Food Stain on Dorm Ceiling has Baffled Scientists for Decades
SAINT PETER, MN- From climate change, the Big Bang, and Mars exploration, scientists are hard at work solving some of the biggest mysteries of our time. However, none of these subjects require […]
J-term Featured Course ENG-401 Fanfiction and Fanfact: Contemporary Approaches to Narrative Recreation
SAINT PETER, MN- The English department is proud to announce their most highly requested January course will make a return for the 2018 term. Priority registration is currently held for sophomore English […]
Poll: What Should We Rename Gustavus?
SAINT PETER, MN- Gustavus Adolphus College has been established for 155 years. Here at the Fourth Crown, we feel like “Gustavus Adolphus College” is a bit dated, boring, and does not capture […]
Portrait of Gustavus Adolphus Winks Every Time Swedish Female Student Walks By
SAINT PETER, MN- Last week, campus safety received a phone call from a student who has been repeatedly harassed in the campus center. When asked about the perpetrator, she described him as […]
Professor Sean Cobb’s Secrets Revealed As Live Rabbit Pops Out of Messenger Bag
PETER, MN- “One moment he was just ranting to us about how he wants to live in the woods by himself,” cried sophomore Lindsay Springer, “Then the next moment a super cute, […]
