This submission is from Gustavus sophomore Anna T. Twas the night before Christmas in Christ Chapel, when all through the campus house Not a student was stirring, not even Cooper’s desecrated mouse. […]
Poetry Submission: Twas the Night Before C in CC
War On Christmas! Terrorists Threaten to Cover Pews with Whoopie Cushions During C in CC
St. Peter, MN — President Berman announced on Tuesday that a threat has been made by a terrorist group on campus against this year’s Christmas in Christ Chapel. The unidentified renegades claimed […]
Fresh Off Influencing American Election, Russian Hackers Cash In On GREAT Cyber Monday Deals
Orsk, Russia — Following a historical compromising of American Democracy, in which Russian computer hackers illegally spread pro-Trump propaganda throughout American social media feeds, the Russian trolling agents were excited to exploit […]
COMMENTARY: Thanksgiving Would Be Better With Muskets
Alexandria, MN–Thanksgiving is always a time of high tension and family complaints. My family in particular divides itself on white meat or dark meat, cranberry or orange juice, Pats or Broncos, and […]
Scumbag Uncles Gear Up for the Big Day
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — As Thanksgiving closes in, millions of gross uncles are preparing for what will inevitably be one hell of a performance at the dinner table. After a year […]
The Fourth Crown’s Exclusive Thanksgiving Recipes
Savoury Snicker Salad Ingredients 6 Snicker bars 3 Apples 2 pkgs cool-whip Cut apples into slices, then slice wedges into wedges Dice snicker bars Combine apples, snickers, and cool-whip in a large […]
Becky Bergman Earns $4 Million for School While Panhandling
SAINT PETER, MN — During the highly successful Panhandling Day, Gustavus President Becky Bergman earned an astounding $4 million dollars. At this point it is unclear as to where the money came […]
Panhandling Day A Hit at Gustavus
SAINT PETER — In an effort to raise funds for the school, Gustavus in currently in the midst of Panhandling Day, an event meant to raise awareness for homelessness and money for […]
Nation Elects Giant Pile of Cold-Hearted White Garbage
WASHINGTON – In an unprecedented fashion, the United States of America has decided that, for the first time in its history, a giant white douche-lord shall be the leader of the free […]
Bernie Bro Spotted Tabling Just Hours Before Election
SAINT PETER — Hours before polls at the local Saint Peter High School closed, dedicated and self-proclaimed “Bernie Bro” sixth-year senior Sean Joseph was spotted tabling outside the doors of the […]
