SAINT PETER, MN – In an almost unprecedented metaphysical event, the year 2017 of the Gregorian calendar seems to be a continuation of the previous year, 2016. Despite worldwide efforts to leave […]
2017 Miraculously Shaping Up to Be Continuation of 2016
Amazing! This Cat Let a Kid Pet Him in the Corner of a Party for 45 Minutes Straight
SAINT PETER, MN — During what was supposed to be a normal saturday night, local cat Trooper patiently sat through what must have easily been a 45 minute cuddle session. Trooper, who […]
Amazing! This Kid Pet a Cat in the Corner of a Party for 45 Minutes Straight
Saint Peter, MN — Local Junior Tate Kreigel was observed at a party on Saturday night reportedly petting a cat in the corner. Known by his peers as “Creepy Tate,” at around […]
Campus Cat Second Guesses His Vote Cast For Trump
A recent series of tweets by Cooper the campus cat has gone viral expressing regret for supporting President-Elect Donald Trump. “Mr. Trump, I voted you in so you would drain the swamp […]
Cold Weather Leads Environmental Studies Major to Doubt Climate Change
SAINT PETER — Following frigid temperatures, Junior Environmental Studies major, Peter Hanson publicly announced his newfound uncertainty regarding Global Warming. “Look, it’s been cold as balls all week. It’s not called […]
Campus Safety Aware of Large Genitalia in Christ Chapel
SAINT PETER, MN — Following three performances and two weeks of set building, Campus Safety would like to let the general community of Gustavus know that they are aware of how vaginal […]
Poetry Submission: Twas the Night Before C in CC
This submission is from Gustavus sophomore Anna T. Twas the night before Christmas in Christ Chapel, when all through the campus house Not a student was stirring, not even Cooper’s desecrated mouse. […]
War On Christmas! Terrorists Threaten to Cover Pews with Whoopie Cushions During C in CC
St. Peter, MN — President Berman announced on Tuesday that a threat has been made by a terrorist group on campus against this year’s Christmas in Christ Chapel. The unidentified renegades claimed […]
Fresh Off Influencing American Election, Russian Hackers Cash In On GREAT Cyber Monday Deals
Orsk, Russia — Following a historical compromising of American Democracy, in which Russian computer hackers illegally spread pro-Trump propaganda throughout American social media feeds, the Russian trolling agents were excited to exploit […]
COMMENTARY: Thanksgiving Would Be Better With Muskets
Alexandria, MN–Thanksgiving is always a time of high tension and family complaints. My family in particular divides itself on white meat or dark meat, cranberry or orange juice, Pats or Broncos, and […]
