SLUT PETER, MN– CAB’s big spring concert was a roaring success this year. Somehow, NLE Choppa found himself on our hill, decided not to leave, and slutted himself out with vigor to […]
CAB Officially Has More Posts About NLE Choppa Than NLE Choppa Does
Gustavus Books Jojo Siwa In Case NLE Choppa Cancels
ST. PETER, MN– Greetings, peasants. It is us, CAB. The Fourth Crown has graciously allowed us to use their esteemed platform to spread this announcement that could not be adequately summarized by […]
Gustavus Professor Doesn’t Commit Fraud
ST. PETER, MN– It is yet another glorious day on the hill! Smiling faces can be seen all throughout campus, rejuvenated from a much needed spring break and excited to be back […]
NLE Choppa Concert Set to be Most Exciting Male Performance Ever to Take Place in Don Roberts Ice Arena
ST. PETER, MN– It’s not every day that a celebrity makes their way to St. Peter. Though it doesn’t happen often, Gustavus has had its fair share of famous run-ins. From drag […]
Tips for a Fashionable Secret Garden
ST. PETER, MN– It is almost time for the annual Gustavus President’s Ball, the most exclusive and glamorous event in our beautiful American nation. Looking anything but the best at this event […]
Scientists Worry that Unusually Warm Winter will Cause Mariah Carey to Prematurely Defrost
ST. PETER, MN– Winter was unnaturally warm this year with very little snow and wind that didn’t hurt anyone’s faces as much as it usually does. While the lack of freezing temperatures […]
What Drink You Should Order At Flame Based On Your Gustavus Major
You know you wanted this. We’re here to provide. Education After a long day of learning about how fucked up the kids are these days, you’re going to need something strong. How […]
99% of Gusties Found to be Genetically Predisposed To Go To GAC
ST PETER, MN— Strange things have been happening on the hill the past few months. Hooded figures have been spotted all around campus swiping used silverware from the Caf, capturing students and […]
Freshman Student’s Liver Puts in Two Weeks’ Notice Following Busy Case Day
ST. PETER, MN– Spring semester is back in full swing here at Gustavus, and students are getting back into a healthy routine of working hard during the week and partying harder on […]
Fourth Crown Writers Too Busy Having Drug-Fueled Orgy To Write Articles
ST. PETER, MN– After a month-long hiatus, the writers of the Fourth Crown (Gustavus’ beloved and most reliable news source) were found engaging in a tangle of horrendous sin and sodomy. Their […]